Suicidal Singer Society
by Alladin Leather
Characters: MORRISSEY (Steven): The
Smiths
SIOUXSIE
(Sioux): Siouxsie and the Banshees
ROBERT
(Smith): The Cure
SEAN
(Brennan): London After Midnight
ANDREW
(Edritch): Sisters of Mercy
IAN
(Curtis): Joy Division
NICK
(Cave): Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Time: today, just
before the coming at the stroke of midnight
Place: By the Earth
of Martyrdom. In an old decaying castle where no local villagers dare to
trespass, our heroes shall meet once again for another meeting of the Suicides
Singer Society. Where depression is the workship of the masses & to make
the ultimate sacrifice is to become the new leader of its generation. The key
members, Robert & Morrissey sit quietly in dark corners of the castle walls
while Sean rests peacefully in a custom-made coffin. A loud banging echoes the
chamber.
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MORRISSEY: Come
on in, the door's open.
SIOUXSIE:
(enters) Open? But what if some suicidal maniac comes barging in?
MORRISSEY: It's
okay, Robert's already here.
SIOUXSIE: So I
see, but where's the rest?
ROBERT: Well Nick
is still keeping to himself in the closet again. He just will not come out
until he finishes his new novel. He's been in there a bloody three weeks never
coming out. Gawd, I admire him.
MORRISSEY: Sean's
still sleeping. Wake him up & let him know that we can begin. Coffins to
the left.
SIOUXSIE: As
always. (walks over) Get up you little vamp
SEAN: Like,
that's not what you said before, sweetie.
SIOUXSIE: Ooh,
right.
SEAN: C'mon
Sioux, let me be your best nightmare.
SIOUXSIE: Nope,
not since you've become L.A.'s worst.
SEAN: But the
press, It's all lies. Lies, I tell ya. Lies.
SIOUXSIE:
(sarcastically) I'm SURE it is Sean. I'm sure it is.
ROBERT: Can we
pleas get this meeting started. Rumour has that there is to be a new leader
tonight. I have a feeling that it could just be me. I've been awfully depressed
when Porl&Boris have taken leave. I just might off myself tonight.
MORRISSEY: OR
join Siouxsie's band again.
ROBERT: At least
I can sing, Moz.
SIOUXSIE: I only
fake one thing & that's for Budgie.
SEAN: So like, I
could be the new leader too, dude. I'm already the biggest star in L.A.
(sings). I'll sacrifice myself for you right here toni-hi-ite.
MORRISSEY: You?
You live in freekin' California's weather ALL the time. What have you got to be
depressed about?
ROBERT: Besides,
you're a vampire. You're only half-dead. That doesn't count, Count.
SEAN: But like,
I'm not a vampire. I keep tellin' ya that. You're against me aren't you? You're
ALL against me. The press did this to me, It's all lies (Sean then runs to the
corner of the room & starts to mope to himself).
MORRISSEY: Oh
Gawd. (changing the subject) Siouxsie, as our treasurer, how much have we got
in petty cash anyway?
SIOUXSIE: Not a pence.
We spent it all on depressants last week. Say, why was I Made treasurer anyway?
MORRISSEY: You
had to. When Robert was in charge he spent it all for alcohol for him & his
bandmates.
ROBERT: me? What
about the time you & Sean gave it all to PETA.
MORRISSEY:
Animals are OUR friends too, Robert.
ROBERT: Yeah,
I've seen your bandmates.
MORRISSEY: You're
against me aren't you? ALL of you (Morrissey then runs to a corner & starts
moping).
SIOUXSIE: Good
going Robert. I've had all that I can stand from you. Don't screw with me.
ROBERT: Screw
with you? That was the main reason I left your band, I was the only one that
wouldn't. That & the fact that we were becoming too much alike what with
the music & the hair style.
SIOUXSIE: Oh I'm
sure people would've been able to tell us apart, "Fat Boy" Smith.
ROBERT: But I've
slimmed this summer. Can't you tell?
SIOUXSIE,
MORRISSEY & SEAN: Tell us another one of your lies, Robert.
ROBERT: You're
against me aren't you? You're ALL against me. (Robert proceeds to find his one
corner of the castle & starts to mope. Siouxsie, seeing this three men,
shakes her head in utter disbelief.)
SIOUXSIE: Do I
have to be the strong one here? Never mind, I'll get the oujia board set up to
get this meeting started. (as she gets it set up a loud thunderous banging
& scratching echoes the chamber).
ROBERT: Oh no,
it's him. He's come back. (screams) AAAHHH!!!! The most vile & evil thing
to enter my life & try to destroy me. AAAHHH!!! (goes into fetal position)
SEAN: Settle down
Robert, it's not Laurence Tolhurst. It's just Andrew once again.
ROBERT: (sits up
again) Oh, okay.
ANDREW: C'mon
guys let me in PLEEZE!!! I WANNA COME BACK PLEEZE (banging & scratching
continues) LET ME COME BACK !! IT'S LONELY OUT HERE.
SIOUXSIE: No
Andrew, go away. The last time you were with us, all your ranting & raving
drove everyone else out. Remember Roz, Dave, Andi, Wayne & Peter? &
let's not forget poor old Kurt. He was too upset, he left & started his own
Suicidal Grunge Society.
ANDREW: PLEEZE,
LET ME BACK, WAAAHHH! Nobody loves me any more. Even Doctor Avalanch left me.
WAAahhh (the banging & stratching gets fainter & fainter, everyone
continues to ignore the crying).
MORRISSEY: Cheer
up mate, if worse comers to worse, maybe Siouxsie will let you join her band.
She's always looking up for a new guitarist. Funny thing though, seems like
everyone leaves screaming about some dictatorial monster running the band.
Heck, I just finished a duet with her & I just Barely got out alive.
SIOUXSIE: Okay
boys, it's all set up. It is now time to join together & contact the true
leader of the Suicidal Singer Society, Ian Curtis. (Everyone takes their seats
around a table, that now contains a oujia board, then put their hands on the
table.)
MORRISSEY:
(sings) Oujia board, Oujia board, would you help me?
ROBERT: Oh no,
not that shit again.
MORRISSEY:
Couldn't help it.
IAN: (from
beyond) Hi guys!
MORRISSEY: See'
it works. Neah!
ROBERT: Yeah,
well with a voice that could wake the dead. Neah neah!
IAN: That's
enough out of you two. As you may have heard, I shall be coming down from my
martyr throne. I have been officially replaced with a brave new leader.
SIOUXSIE: But who
Ian? No one here have offed themselves yet.
NICK: (from the
same beyond)Oh I don't know about that. Hi guys!
MORRISSEY: Wow, I
didn't know Nick could throw his voice like that from the closet.
NICK: Actually I
can't. I'm dead.
ROBERT, SIOUXSIE
& MORRISSEY: (accusingly) SEAN!?!?!
SEAN: I swear, I
didn't do it. I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT???
IT'S THE PRESS DAMMIT.
IAN: Settle down
Sean. We believe you. You are NOT a vampire.
ROBERT: Then HOW
did it happen Nick?
NICK: It was
easy, I stabbed myself to death with a ball-point pen.
SIOUXSIE: Why in
the world would you do that?
NICK: Gee, I
guess my only excuse would be that I had a terrible case of writer's block. I
just got so frustrated that I couldn't take the torture anymore.
ROBERT: & I
thought that I was depressed.
MORRISSEY: Yeah,
you are pretty depressing.
ROBERT: At least
I like having sex, frigid one.
SIOUXSIE: I'm
sorry Nick, I had no idea you had died.
NICK: Couldn't
you tell? My face must be deathly pale by now.
SEAN: I thought
you had Siouxsie's make-up on.
SIOUXSIE: I
thought you had Robert's make-up on.
ROBERT: I thought
you had Sean's make-up on.
SEAN: Make-up,
Make-up?!?! This happens to be my natural look. I AM A VAMPIRE, YOU MORTAL
FOOLS, THE PRESS, IT'S ALL LIES FROM THE PRESS, LIES, LIES.
(Lights fade out,
curtain comes down)
THE END?
Background image: Edvard Munch, "Vampire"